“Don’t feel sad
Haifeng. For all you know, that Wheeler friend of yours may be making things
up. I mean, he calls himself your friend but you just read what he said. Is
that how a friend treats you?” said the soft voice of a girl through the phone.
“Yes,
I agree. But I feel it is such a waste since we share the same interests and we
agree, or rather, used to agree on certain things. Like how it’s not nice to embarrass a guy just because he likes a certain girl”, a young 15-year old boy
answered. "At least he didn’t tease me, not like the other
"uncivilized" brutes in our class."
“Haha, you sound so high and mighty.
No wonder you two clicked. Well, to a certain extent," she teased.
“Hey stop it, Jam! That’s not true
okay!” he protested.
“Just kidding, just kidding. I’m
sorry. Are you angry with me?” Jam quickly turned from teasing to
reconciliatory, though she was acting cute by sounding pouty.
“No, why should I be angry with you?
I know you don’t mean it,” Zoner answered.
“I know you won’t get angry with
me,” she squealed with delight. “You hardly get super tense when you talk to
me, although other people seem to upset you more.”
“No!!!" Zoner protested.
"I won’t have any reason to get angry with them unless they said something
annoying! Or put me down! Or ridicule me for being clumsy and absent minded. Or
accuse me of something and making it sound like I didn’t care less when I
didn’t mean it."
“You hate it when people put you in
a situation that exposes your weakness, right? Jam asked. “You’re not alone.
You know I get it all the time,” Jam consoled.
“Yes, that’s why I’m on your side,
and defend you when I can. And because of that I get teased for liking you,”
Zoner pretended to sound sulky.
“I think you do like me! After all
you don’t get upset with whatever I say to you.”
“Huh!” Zoner was sounding perplexed
over the phone.
“Just kidding! I know you like
Noemi. And Coco ! And a lot of other girls!”
“HEY!” Zoner was getting ready to
protest.
“Juuuuuuust kiiiiding! Agaiiin!” Jam
burst into laughter. Poor Zoner. His face was all red.
“How about that Japanese exchange
student? What’s her name again?” she asked.
“Her
name was Yuko…”
“Your AKB48 Yuko Oshima came to life!”
Jam teased. “You must be very happy.”
“Silly! She just looks like the
AKB48. They’re not the same person,” Zoner defended. “If they were she won’t
even need to be in school. The Yuko in AKB48 is earning lots of money.”
“You’ll never know, Zoner. What if
they are the same person after all, and the singer you saw at the concert was
pretending to be an ordinary Japanese student so that she could meet you?” Jam
suggested.
“That’s silly,” Zoner chuckled.
“Oh come on! You watch a lot of
cartoons! You read comics and wrote fiction in your English essay tests! Where’s
your imagination? Oh, and what was the gift that 'Yuko' gave to you?”
“Oh, it’s just a pen and a notebook.
Looks like one of those expensive pens. I don’t dare to use it.”
“No! Use it! Once it runs out of
ink, you can't use it anymore, and it will be a waste of her money and her
thoughtfulness. She bought a pen and a notebook for you. What does she want you
to do with it? Of course she wants you to use it. Common sense, man! She got it
for you even when you were email penpals before you met in Singapore
“I think so too. Hey it’s getting
late. Talk to you tomorrow,” Zoner said as he looked at the clock in the living
room of his home.
“Sure Haifeng. Good night and sweet
dreams! Remember, we are comrades who share the same pain! I’m with you!"
“Thank you comrade Jiamin!”
Jam giggled when she heard him imitate a Russian accent when he pronounced the
word ‘comrade’. “And good night!” he said.
“Good night,” she said sweetly. And
she put down the phone.
It was Zoner’s turn to put down the
phone. “Hmm, Jam’s English has improved a lot. She was a lot worse when we
started out as classmates in Sec 1," he thought.
Zoner proceeded to go to bed, then
he looked at the pen and the notebook that the Japanese exchange student “Yuko”
gave to him. He sat down, opened up the notebook, held the pen in his hand, and
started writing.
The Dreamer's Cross
Fleeting Darkness, when can I ever see the light?
Where the Cherry Blossoms are blooming cheery and
bright
I
am a living void, where purity and perversity cohabit
Get
away from me, Phantom. Stop obscuring my romantic youth.
Zoner
Xavier Hugo Wonderwall
From
the Dreamer's Journal
Dear
Diary,
I would like to confess that I am
convinced that something is indeed wrong with me.
Much has happened during the past
year, and I have turned 15. So have all my classmates, who are of course, now
15. Just like it was in the previous years, I have never failed to stir up
chaos in class just because, they way I behave, the way I think, differs from
the majority. I have told myself to try and prove myself to be more worthy of
approval, in academic performance,
class drama performances, and also popularity among girls. Much as I
have tried to, my quirky personality got
in my way, resulting in many a misadventure. Many a time, obsessive
twitching of muscles in my arms, legs, and face, has undoubtedly caused me to
be viewed as 'weird' by many. This has also done damage to my image, as the
natural charm resulted by my natural good looks becomes overshadowed by my
peculiar ticks (a classmate suspected it to be tourette’s syndrome). On many
occasions, overwhelming emotions have also caused me to say inadequate words
that have resulted in me being seen as insensitive and rude, when all I
wanted was to be the life of the party. Though regretful that the outcome
becomes far from desirable in everyone's eyes, I could not accept it that
people viewed me as such, for I still believe it is contrary to what I truly
am. Above that, many a time, I have never failed to frustrate many a person,
just because many an instruction from that person has never failed to miss
the core of my brain though it passed through my ears. The worst was that I
have never failed on many an occasion to misinterpret an instruction, and
even acted in complete contrary to the instruction passed down to me.
Many a comment has been passed on
me...comments that contradict what I really am, who I think I am, and who I
think I should be.
Mentality
Work Aptitude and Attitude
Social Aptitude
Impression made on others
And that’s not all. Yes, so many
words. Words used by my parents, teachers, peers, and relatives. Oh yes, and
not to mention enemies. Some of you must be envious of my charisma: My
uncanny ability to attract so many comments: negative ones mostly. Don’t
worry, I am not that bad, I receive good comments too. And at this tender age
of 15, how can I say that they do not affect me. I’m at the start of my
teens, and also with emotional chaos at its peak. A more stereotypical way to
call it would be ‘identity-crisis’.
But it doesn't seem that there's
anyone else in class who is going through what I'm going through. Everybody
seems so confident, with many things to talk about, and many wonderful things
going on in their lives. I don't know why I'm so pathetic, not able to
conform to what they expect of me, always receiving discouraging and negative
comments, and not being able to blend in to their worlds, and have them share
with me the wonderful things going on in their lives.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
I want to cry. I want to die. I want revenge. I want to make things right.
But how?
How when my mind is a labyrinth of
chaos?
Could it all have begun at the
beginning of my adolescence, when I have first tasted restlessness generated
from not getting what my heart desires?
Before that, my obsessions were in
the worlds inside children's cartoons and computer games, and attaining the
games and toys I wanted easily quenched my desires. This of course, was
always after my exams, since my parents have considered such obsessions as
barriers to the key for a good future, namely "G.A.P.", which stood
for "Good Academic Performance".
But came Secondary 2, when I began
to experience 'infatuation' that knows no return of affection.
Her name was "Suzy
Chomel" (Sounds like the brand name of a perfume), a cute and lovely
asian lass of non Chinese origin, who was born on the same day as I am. Her
full name is Noemi Suzunara, a Japanese. She had large 'laughing eyes', and
long straight hair that sailed down the back of her head, and curled up like
a duck's tail. She was everybody's sunshine, and everyone was full of praise
and admiration for her. Just like me, she plays the piano, but better than I
do. I flunked Grade 4, while she's already on the way to Grade 6 and 7. She
expresses herself well in writing: Needless to say, many of her essays had
entered the school magazine, and all who have read her works agree that the
articulate-ness of her words reflect very much on the richness of her soul.
Reading her every sentence written sentence, and listening to every word she
says, was like taking a sip of fragrant French Vintage Wine. Truly, I moan at
my imperfections in literary skills and artistic skills, for they cannot
match hers: Well, that's based on my emotional intuition.
I have fallen in love, and in
addition to that, fallen in lust. And I am poisoned by the bitterness of
jealousy.
There is another girl who has made
me a slave to her seductive physical charms. Yes, charms. Her name is
It's just that I am attracted to
her physically and I can't imagine myself going into a deep relationship with
her, for our interests and goals differ a lot. At least that is what I
imagine it to be.
Sometimes emotions aren't things
that can be explained in words. You can make up 1001 reasons to explain why
you are infatuated with a person in a certain way, and these 1001 reasons
will not qualify as perfect excuses as to why others should like this person
as you should. Sometimes such emotions are what people consider as,
"Inexpressible in words", and they can make a person's judgment
biased. But among these 1001 reasons for a person to be liked, most of the
time, ninety percent of the reasons justify that the person has likable
traits. And some people have 'enough' or 'more than enough' of these likable
traits to make them popular.
In a particular novel called
"The Teenage Workbook", a girl, by the name of Sissy Song, who was
the school belle in the novel, was interviewed at a school pageant on the
qualities her perfect boyfriend must have. She listed them out, and concluded
that, in order to be worthy of "The Perfect Boyfriend", she must
become, "The Perfect Girlfriend". Well, reality is practical and
harsh, and part of me actually adhered to the belief that, to be worthy of an
attractive girl, I would have to match in terms of attractiveness and
talents.
Yes, I'm not bad looking, but from
the way I look at it, there doesn't seem to be anyone who viewed me like a
legend for either my looks or my talents. True, I have certain strengths and
talents, but somehow I don’t see them
('Piano', and 'Creative Writing') recognized and praised by the girls
who I am infatuated with. Not even Suzy Chomel.
Putting aside the woes of youth
infatuations, my world is built out of an obsessive interest in selective
Superhuman Heroes from various Action Cartoon Series. Very often, a fantasy I
had when I was young was, to possess certain supernatural powers and use it
to impress peers and relatives, or use it to help them when they are in need,
and win over their approval. Very often, I believed that, if I were to have
supernatural powers, I would feel less non-confident about myself.
Just by imagining that I had the
ability to levitate myself three or four storeys high…
Just by imagining that I can run
at 780km/hr without feeling exhausted…
Just by imagining that I can
teleport from one place to another at will…
Just by imagining that I have
these abilities, I am able to rejuvenate my soul when it gets overrun by
insults, criticisms, and trials of life that come in other forms.
Now, I just wonder what I am in
everybody's eyes, since I have done so much to mess up everyone's image of me
since day one of Secondary 3?
It sounds childish to simply blame
in on one person, but I can't say he's entirely at fault. Things were not
going my way, and he said those things to me in the name of 'showing me the
way', and I believed him since I was in desperate for attention and approval.
Shawn Ang Chee Hao.
I will kill you, for putting me
through all this.
Because of you, I had turned into
a rascal in everybody's eyes. Before that, I was a goody-two-shoes, and an
insignificant dot, which did not put me at the receiving end of the class
belles, unlike you rascals who shout, "Damn you, smelly cunt" when
I go near them. Really, I don't know what the belles see in you guys that
they end up talking to you, instead of me. I am a good guy, who doesn't go
round hurting the feelings of others. (But come to think of it more
carefully, they have done such a thing only to me. No one else in the class
seem to have a grudge against them. Why?)
You said that, I wasn’t popular,
because I was not clever, not charismatic, and did not know how to curry
favour. He said that to be popular, I have to get attention by showing off,
which gets the people interested. I need to show my power, by booming in a
loud voice. I have to learn to be witty, and also tease people to get the
attention of others focused on you.
That's what I tried to do, my way.
I firmly believed that, if I followed exactly what you did, I would be
replicating you, and I would lose my individuality. So I tried to do what you
did, but I did it my way. I’d steal every chance to talk while I can. I can
curry favour by supporting the actions of others in my loud voice, so that
they would not hate me. I make myself sound intelligent during science
lessons by impressing the teacher and my classmates with bombastic
expressions. I’d be funny, so that the class would enjoy my presence. That
way, I’d get her attention, and that of the rest of the class. But I wouldn’t
be like him. I’d get popular using my own ingredients.
And the shows that I watch, they
are unique, and different from what everybody else watches. But nobody
understands them. They think I’m childish watching such shows. But I’ll show
them. With my new image I’d propagate it, so that will all see them in a new
light.
Now many of them they think I'm a
jerk. Some shun me when I go near them, or give me a cold shoulder when I try
to talk to them. Even those who were initially nice to me started to dislike
me.
Do you know what my wish was when
I came into
I’m just weak.
Weak in the ability to deal with
people. All I had to do, and continued to do, was be my honest ‘Mr Nice Guy’
self. Those were the times when I have not been nasty, and the words I used
were not offensive or rude, but it still invited scolding and bully. I didn’t
understand why, and I always thought they were wrong when they stood against
me.
I just lacked the ability to go
beyond having a shallow understanding of the people around me. Sometimes,
that’s how I screwed up in relationships with people. And no matter how
people explain, I just could not understand why I was in the wrong. That
explained why I did badly in comprehension tests, where all attempts to test
for my ability to read between the lines often failed. The world was to me a
double-sided coin, a Ying and a Yang, Good and Evil. And I could not help but
feel self-righteous about it.
After my chaotic primary three,
when a sadistic homeroom teacher helped me to break the record of having the
most number of bad behaviors on the list. Everyone mocked at me, and I was
despondent. I thought I was one of the few good people left, a tragic hero,
who had become a victim of a tragedy that was plotted by the devil himself.
I’m a Catholic, and as a believer of Jesus Christ, I had believed that Jesus
was crucified on the cross because the people were sinners, the evil ones. So
I imagined myself playing the role of Jesus, the crucified ones, who was
tortured and had died for doing nothing wrong.
But Jesus was forgiving. He
forgave the sinners, for they did not know what they were doing. So, in my
innocence (my self-declared innocence), I forgave (I told myself that I will)
all who had wounded me, called me names, stolen my belongings, backstabbed me
and crucified me. Well, I recently looked back and realized that I have not
forgiven them. Every time I spoke of forgiveness, I was actually condemning
them, without even realizing that I was doing it just to feel like I was on
higher moral ground than the others. I have recently learnt to accept this
fact and had learnt to be more honest with myself. I kept every unpleasant
event for remembrance, hoping that one day, if my enemies were to rise
against me, the details of my mistreatment would serve as evidence, like of
spears of justice that would stab them without warning.
Of course, when I came into
Westside Secondary, I decided to make a breakthrough. I decided to throw away
my hatred and start anew. My soul was crying to be innocent again, to be free
of all the hate I had for my
On orientation day, I swore that I
would try to make the best impression if the chance ever came on that day. It
didn’t come. The talk given by a homeroom teacher was long, and given in
Chinese, which I was pretty bad at. Being restless, I fidgeted. I can’t
remember how I seated, but I was shouted at in front of the whole class for
my lack of discipline. The worst was when my nose, which was at that moment,
as leaky as a leaky faucet, exploded into a series of sneezes, and the table
became decorated with used tissue paper pieces of all shapes and sizes. I did
this often in primary school. My mind was so messed up by the sneezing that I
forgot my etiquette (You won’t want me to elaborate on that). And there you
had it: A loudspeaker advertisement of the most badly behaved student in the
class. Already gotten a scolding from the teacher before the first day of
school. Damn it, I was just trying to be a goody-two-shoe, and look at me
now. I just knew it from that day onwards. My childhood nightmares of being
branded as useless and badly behaved were catching up with me.
What a star I had become. Luckily,
my parents spoke to the teacher to let her understand her problem, whereby my
misbehavior wasn’t because of mere willfulness, but a social skill that I
simply lacked, like a handicap. This was true. It was a handicap, like one
who is blind, deaf, dumb, armless or limb-less. No matter how hard you would
try, you can’t make your arm grow back if you lost it in an accident.
But you could strengthen your
other attributes to make up for your weakness. So that is what I would do.
But, it is much easier said than done to even live like the rest. To be
socially acceptable, be popular, to understand other’s jokes and fit in into
popular company, seems likely to be a dream to me. Even if I had ‘above
average’ looks, I was still an ugly duckling.
For some reason, people couldn’t
ever seem to accept what I said or suggested at group discussions. I’d say
something wrong, and my group-mates would be laughing at me or scolding me as
a result. Or if I did not say anything, they would say I was antisocial.
Either way I was criticized. And I found it very insulting to be called
‘introvert’ or ‘anti-social’, because I knew it did not tally with my real
self. I was someone who has a voice in my soul, and wanted to use this voice
to let myself be heard to the world. This was something I considered very
meaningful. I just wanted to express myself, and let myself be heard, at all
costs. One of the incurred costs was...my reputation for being a silly clown
who said silly things that made others think suspiciously of his IQ level.
I love to dream. I daydream with a
passion. My one unique passion is actually daydreaming. I have always done so
when I was a child. I had loved fantasizing myself owning things that I would
never get to own, imagining what they were like. I would fantasize owning a
nice computer with nice specifications when I have not bought one yet.
But that is not the only thing I
daydream about. I also daydream by mentally reliving special techniques used
by fantasy characters in video games. Fantasy abilities, like the ability to
break walls, run faster than sound, shoot fireballs, recover instantly after
suffering bone breaking injuries, survive fire, ice, electrical shocks and
knifestabs. These are all that I wish were possible in real life, because
human life is simply too fragile without these gifts.
Beyond this, there are many other
things I fantasize myself doing while daydreaming, like giving a self
introduction that impresses the class and the teacher, or receiving praise
for helping out or stopping a crime from taking place.
But it has never happened to me.
I’m too absent minded to get anything done right, although there were times
that I have done a lot of things right, and received the praise I dreamt of
receiving.
But there were times I tried too
hard to interweave my sporadically illogical fantasies with reality, and
achieved very adverse results (No, I did not try to shoot fireballs, break
down walls with a mere fist or heal people with just a mere touch). For
example, I once had the impression that I could impress girls by ‘acting
cool’. What I did was actually something I recalled to be a bad imitation of
a cowboy cartoon character’s signature charismatic cooing call, and I became
laughed at by the group of boys and girls in that group. Once, before my
first day of school at Westside Secondary, I imagined myself making friends
very fast after a quick self-introduction. On the day itself, before it was
time to break the ice, I introduced myself to them, in an over-enthusiastic
manner that could have made me seem desperate for friends. Although I was
just simply over-enthusiastic, I was considered ‘crazy’ by some of my
classmates on the first day (It was only the day after that they warmed up to
me a bit more). This also happened when I was in catechism class in primary 5
(catechism classes refer to classes at a catholic church attended by children
on Sunday to learn about God, also known as Sunday school). Back then, I sat
alone after that since they were scared of me. I did not know what I did, but
eventually, I was forced to be a lone ranger. To summarize it all, I dreamt
of becoming popular, and well liked, but could never, up to now, make this
dream come true.
Do I have only myself to blame? Am
I really that useless? Is it because of my body twitching idiosyncrasies?
Idiosyncrasies, such as adverse twitching of my face, eyes, neck, shoulders,
hands and feet etc., may have become visually annoying to my classmates. Time
and again, I have been nagged at by my parents to get rid of those habits.
But those twitches were a symbol of the chaos in my irregular illogical
imagination in his mind. I know it’s stupid to say this, but I still believe
those twitches can actually ease the tension from irritating thoughts in his
mind. Getting rid of them would mean getting rid of a ‘particular something’
I was attached to. I could never ever dare get rid of it. Moreover, I don’t
know what to do about it. They just appear according to the random thoughts
that come to my head. These are thoughts that irritate me for no rational
reason and it affects my mood. Maybe it’s because I’m just 14, and it is
something not very controllable for me. Thus, I continue to be nagged at by
my parents, and ridiculed by my classmates and teachers for my antics. This
is amounting to another ‘something’ that is ‘missing’ in my life. Yes, call
it an excuse for the lack of assertiveness on myself. Call it whatever you
want. Call it non-repentance. Call it immaturity. I still think I am an
innocent victim of all your harsh comments, while all of you just sit on the
fence.
I always felt alone, because of
this 'problem' of mine that I could not find a name for. I had never meant
it, but I ended up causing trouble for others unintentionally. It happened
again and again, no matter how many times I told myself, "I won't screw
up next time". That was how my relationship with friends was like.
I looked into the mirror that was
right in front of his table. It wasn't because I was a narcissist. In fact,
it was on the contrary. I lacked personal-presentability awareness. My mother
had placed the mirror there, to remind me to kick his nasty habit of twitching
my eyes, nose, and other face muscles, which were making me look revolting to
anyone who would have seen my ticks. If not for my occasional facial
twitches, according to her, I would come across as a pleasant looking,
scholar like boy, with my round specs around my small eyes, and short student
hair. With a roundish face that didn't look too long, and a pair of eyes, a
nose and a mouth that were properly in place, or rather, didn't look out of
place, I looked like a typical class nerd, who wasn't bad looking. It was a
Wonderwall family trait: bookworms that didn't look stupid. But somehow, the
things that I often said, and the way I behaved sometimes, proved otherwise.
And I couldn't help it. My mind was always drawn somewhere; somewhere that
even I dids not know of. It was like being in a dreamlike state while being
awake. Always thinking about the things that I was interested in, sometimes
to an obsessive extent, and I would have very little awareness about the
world around me. Conversations from around me seldom entered my ears,
depending on the extent of my dreamlike state. That included rumours, and
instructions from teachers that were assumed to be heard and understood by
everybody. Sometimes during sports games, my teammates had the tendency to
get mad at me for not following the game's rules or a team member's
instructions. Some saif I would to
'die' if I were to do my national service, because, my tendency to 'miss'
instructions could cause the downfall of my platoon.
No one came to my house, because
my parents forbade it, giving their preference for their own privacy as their
reason. Neither did they allow me to lend my prized belongings to others for
fear that I would grow hysterical if my belongings were ruined or lost, and
my friends would mock me for my hysteria. Of course, there were tactful ways
to explain to my friends who placed pressure on me to let them visit my home
for group holiday projects. I had successfully explained my predicament to my
friends on many occasions. However, some were very persuasive and were able
to make me feel guilty for not placing importance on our friendship. And
thus, when trying to explain, I made a mess of things, and had hurt them by
being unintentionally tactless (due failure to come up with a proper excuse
ad hoc when his classmates caught him by surprise with the accussations). And
thus, his relationship with them became strained for the rest of the year.
Those ‘friends’, whom I had hurt unintentionally, didn't speak to me on
amicable terms again, and even passed remarks on me, called me names, like
'selfish, not a true friend, dependant on parents, no sense of
brotherhood". Some even said, "You wouldn't become an adult, if you
keep on listening to your parents like this and don't learn to be independent
in making decisions. What would <Enter Girl's name> think, if you can't
even make decisions on your own? She'll find another guy who's more
independent". And the hidden message that came to me was, the one who
said this was referring to himself as “more independent”. And it was quite
true that "He" who said this, was more popular and had received
more attention from <Enter Girl's name>, unlike me whereby <Enter
Girl's name> seldom communicated with me. Some of my classmates even said,
"You call yourself a Christian, when you don't even share." And I
would feel so hurt, that I seldom had time to concentrate on my studies,
because I spent most of my time confiding my unhappiness with his parents.
I had a friend, called Wheeler Foo
Jin Wu, who told me he admired me, because he found me pleasant and well
bred, and had parents to help me with my studies, and groom him to be a
better person, unlike himself, whose parents lacked grace. Both of us shared
the same enthusiasm in the Japanese Language and Japanese Computer Games, so
we hit it off very well, especially when I went out with two of Wheeler's
Japanese friends, Hiroaki and Naoto.
One day, Wheeler Foo invited me to
a student exchange meet on a Sunday, organized by "Seishokai
On the next weekend, there was
also another exchange program at the Seishokai Student Union Headquaters.
During the interaction break, where the students could mingle with each other
and get to know each other better. When I was speaking to Yuko, got over enthusiastic
and started talking non-stop about continuing to meet up and go out together.
Then I spoke with a raised voice to the some other guys, including Wheeler
(All of whom were not interacting, but simply watching the conversation take
place from a distance), with a slight resemblance to someone who was drunk,
and said "Hey, you guys! Come and talk to them." And to Yuko, I
said, "Hey Yucchan, why don't you speak to those guys! Those fellas are
freaking lonely and in need of friendship! Hey Talk to them, will ya?"
I meant all that to help my
friends interact more with the Japanese students to improve their Japanese,
since it was their dream to learn how to speak good Japanese. But my pure
intentions had made my friends angry with me. The whole session ended sooner
than it was planned. Wheeler had sent me a text message on his mobile phone,
scolding me, saying, "You were very rude to Yuko. I specially invited
you there, and you gave our Seishokai a bad image. Please be
considerate." My reply was, "I don't understand how I was rude.
What did I do?" And Wheeler's reply was, "The way you told her to
talk to us, I saw it in her facial expression that she was scared of you, and
was at wits end, to go on having any conversation. I hope you can feel more
for the people around you. I understand that you were moody today, but don't
give a bad image to
I was not in fact, aware, that
Yuko was scared and embarrassed at that time, since I lacked the social
skills to interpret a person's emotions from their facial expressions and
body language, which is automatic in most people. At the same time, I also
lacked the skills to know what was appropriate to say at the right time. That
was how I had gotten into trouble with my teachers and classmates, thus
inviting hurting and sometimes scornful comments on me.
On another day, both Wheeler and I
went to sort out the matter via email, because I knew very well that, if I
sorted things out verbally, a lot of what I wanted to say would be lost. This
was because I had poor communication skills despite having not much of a
language barrier in terms of Japanese grammar and vocabulary.
So, via email, this was what I
said to Wheeler.
"Even if the outcome was
unfavorable at that moment, I really did it out of good consideration. I
really intended to make things better for you and her, by increasing your
chance to converse with her in Japanese to improve your Japanese. By doing
so, I was trying to achieve double appreciation for both sides, like you
said."
"But what did you say? You
said I was inconsiderate. Do you remember yourself saying, "I hope that
you can feel more for the people around you"?"
"I understand that you were
moody that day, but don't give a bad image to
"Bad image of
"You accused me of not
understanding the principles of double exchange and double appreciation. Do
you still remember yourself saying, "Exchanges can reach its highest
peak when you give double appreciation or more to the other party, you will
reap the benefit of both in a way or two"? That is a huge blow to my
ego. For double appreciation to the other party so that exchanges can reach
its highest peak, is what I try to achieve every time I am with Japanese friends.
Didn't you see me doing that when I was with the students on Tuesday Night
after the first exchange session at Toa Payoh with the students, where we
went to take a river-boat ride from
"Yes, I was moody that day
because I had housework to do on the morning before meeting you guys on
Saturday, and my Dad had instructed me to finish before I left, even though
it was less than an hour before the event began. In my anxiousness and
carelessness, I caused the Wireless Phone at the edge of the table to drop
into the pail of water that we used for wiping the floor. I had a very
terrible scolding for that. And I left the house in a bad mood."
"Still, I apologized for
"unintentionally" giving Seishokai, and
"I had gone to see the
Psychiatrist after Secondary Two, and I was diagnosed to have Mild
High-functioning Autism, and this is a psychological problem that I would
burdened with all my life. I am deficient in understanding the feelings of
others by just looking at them, though I try very hard to. And at the same
time, I also have difficulty concealing and containing my emotions. So by
telling me all these, it sounds like I really have no virtues and don't care
for other people. Is this what you think of me? Knowing that you think like
that of me, don't you realize that I feel embarrassed and belittled when I
see you, since now I, whom you once considered your role model, would look
inferior to you in terms of virtues and conduct."
"To tell you the truth, I
have tried to forgive and forget. But I have come to realize that I can’t. I
think you ought to search your conscience and reflect on what you had said on
that day about me, which had hurt my feeling deeply."
That was how my email ended.
And Wheeler's email reply was just
as follows.
"Zoner-san, I hope you take
my word as a man. What's the point of telling me to reflect on my conscience?
If I did not have one I won't be telling you all these. I have told you
sincerely what I have wanted to tell you as a friend. I know you want to do
something for others, but you have to think hard as how you can help others.
You have to overcome your psychological problems first."
"Giving double appreciation
to someone is not as simple as the snap of a finger. You have to think first
before you act, and anyone should also do the same to achieve double
appreciation of their guest. I knew that you had your problems, but do not
use your psychological problem as an excuse and just let it carry on with you
all your life. If i didn't say something to make you realize what you have
done wrong, would you realize it yourself and do something about it? I need
to tell you this before you screw things up again in any program you join. I
know you have your own morals but by being incongruent in your actions and
your words will reveal nothing of your goodwill to others. Do not take my
word 'Please be considerate' offensively. I just wanted you to know understand how I felt that day, and why you
shouldn't screw up the program by forcing her to talk, and then frighten her.
Do you really want friends who just keep quiet about your problems and just
leave you to your own devices?"
"I feel worried for you,
Wonderwall-san. What do you suggest that I can do to help you, since your
doctor cannot cure it? Don't give me that bullshit. I hope you don't screw up
in your relationship with your friends later in your life. If you carry on
like this and don't learn from your experiences, you will have yourself to
blame for any future mistakes at work, or in your family. Here, you have a
nice friend who is cautioning you, and not letting you rot in ignorance.
However, I can see from the tone of your words that you are not willing to
reflect, just as you told me to do for myself. "
And following this was my reply,
and it was to be our last email conversation.
"It is painful enough for me
to be told by the psychologist that there is no cure for my problem (lacking
in social skills and inability to interpret situations) - a form of
deficiency in the brain that I have to live with for the rest of my life.
However, it is even more painful to hear my friend accusing me of using this
handicap as an excuse for not improving myself. If you really harbour such a
poor impression of me, it would be pointless for me to explain any further
lest you end up thinking that I am giving you more excuses. I think it would
be inconsiderate of me if I continue to make myself a burden to you, since I
have no confidence that I could improve 100% the way you expect me to."
"I wish you all the best,
especially in your studies of the Japanese Language and Culture."
And we had not spoken to each
other since.
|
"AAAWWRRRRGGGHHHHH! . I HATE
SELF-RIGHTEOUS PEOPLE WHO THINK THEY ARE SO BLOODY MORALLY RIGHTEOUS THAT THEY
GO ROUND LECTURING PEOPLE, ACTING LIKE A MORAL SAINT AND CLAIMING MORAL HIGH
GROUND! YOU’RE JUST A NERDY LOOKING AIRHEAD WHO ONLY KNOW HOW TO TALK LIKE YOU
ARE HALF ASLEEP, AND CANNOT EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH AND JAPANESE PROPERLY! DON’T
THINK YOU ARE SO GREAT YOU FOUR-EYED FROG-IN-THE-WELL! HOW DARE YOU TALK TO ME
LIKE THAT? KNOW YOUR PLACE! DO I DESERVE SUCH AN INSULT, FOR ALL THAT I HAVE CONTRIBUTED
TO OUR GATHERINGS?” I screamed. Doing so, Zoner unconsciously released the pen
abruptly from his fingers onto the table. Both his hands travelled to the
temples of my head, grabbing them tightly. Zoner had burst into hysteria.
Thinking about it was simply too much for him to bear.
This didn’t make sense. This should
not have happened. All along Wheeler was his soft-spoken well mannered friend.
Zoner didn’t want to look at Wheeler this way. "But look at Wheeler’s
attitude towards me! I can’t accept it, no matter what,” Wheeler thought.
"THIS SHOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED!
THIS FREAKING THING SHOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED! WHY! WHY! WHY!" Zoner banged
the table with his fist with every "Why" asked, and the table at the
receiving end of his fists trembled in response to his violent outburst.
"I WISH TO TURN BACK TIME. IT IS STRANGE THAT SOMETHING LIKE THIS
HAPPENED..."
All of a sudden, the symbol on the
tail end of the pen gave off a bright blue glow, which covered the whole room
in the same colour. A pencil that had rolled off from the edge of the table due
to the impact of me hitting the table, had stopped in mid-air before hitting
the floor. All the frustration in Zoner seemed to have dissipated, as shock had
taken over and paralyzed him. The pen stood up, with the tip pointing
downwards, and glowed more strongly than ever in bright azure blue. Suddenly,
the blue aura emitted by the pen turned into a small twister that surrounded
it. From the centrifugal motion of the twister, blue coloured comets kept
flying out of it, corresponding to the direction of the movement of blue energy
that composed the twister. Each blue comet, like tadpoles with their long
tails, collided into every object in my room, and made them disappear. His bed,
his radio, the walls of his room, his bookshelf, his table etc. Eventually,
nothing was left. Here, in this alternate world that consists of boundless blue
sky, and a floor that was invisible, there was nothing else but Zoner himself,
and the pen. The twister around the pen ceased, and the aura also faded away.
It continued to float there, right in front of him.
“It wasn't your fault. There is no
need for you to worry, Zoner-kun”.
That was Yuko's voice. The voice was
echo-like, as if she was speaking at the center of a large hall.
“Yuko?” Zoner called out.
Out of the nothingness in this blue
boundlessness, Yuko appeared, right in front of the pen. With her smooth
delicate fingers, she reached out for the pen and gently held it in her hand,
and took it down from its suspended state. Her long straight hair flowed down
to her shoulders, and she was wearing the same maple-leaf patterned floral
dress she donned on the day of the student exchange.
“You are the one”, was her reply.
“You are the one, to be awakened by hope and despair, and to be the source of
both hope and despair for the world”.
"Hope and despair,"
pondered Zoner.
"Hope and despair?"
pondered Zoner again, bewildered.
“Hope and despair are complete
opposites, like fire and water”, continued Yuko's echoing voice. “They don't
mix, and they exist to destroy each other. And yet, both extremes bring fourth
strong emotions, and thus, bring fourth great power. The power that you have,
will be brought fourth by strong emotions, which in turn can be brought about
by any of the two extremes”.
She continued to speak, and he
continued to visualize as she spoke, the feelings of hope and despair, and the
intensity of the two extremes.
“With the extreme called 'despair'
comes emotional chaos, bringing out the destructive power to hurt people and
cause disasters.”
“With the extreme called 'hope'
comes emotional stability, bringing out the constructive power to heal people
and work miracles. “
“And both extremes are a choice,
depending on the strength of the individuals' will. And the one extreme can be
converted into another extreme, just by the individuals' choice, and the
strength of his will.”
“What 'will', you may ask. The
answer? The 'will' to stay positive, and keep hopeful.”
“With hope, and the power that
equals your hope, you can save the world. Therefore, Zoner dear, you must cling
on to your hope, and let the power awaken.”
He wasfully imagining the power of
hope flowing through him, filling him with optimism, determination and
confidence in doing well. But at the last moment, his negative feelings tugged
at his heart again. He had not forgotten the shame he felt when he was called
'inconsiderate' and 'selfish', by strangers, acquaintances, close friends and
even his parents. He could not forget the shame he felt when others were harsh
to him for his lack of attentiveness, and his lack of ability to follow
instructions effectively when they said things like, 'continue to be like this,
and you would one day endanger your life and others'. The guilt of being
capable of accidentally causing the death of others in the future due to his
deficiency clouded his heart again. He broke into tears, "How? How can I
stay hopeful, when I have to hear all these, because I'm so incompetent,
troublesome when..."
“Don't say that. Life is always
unfair to people who doesn't have something that everyone else does. You are
different, and people won't be able to understand you, simply because they are
not you. But one thing is certain, some people will be harsh with you, because
they care and worry for you. Don't focus too much on your mistakes, otherwise
you won't be able to look forward and see what's ahead of you. There should not
be despair, but hope. When you have hope, the path will be opened for you. The
deficiency that you have will continue to give yourself and others problems.
And other people, including yourself, will have a reason to feel despair for
your future's sake. However, deep within your soul is an irreplaceable
treasure. It is the treasure that can transform reasons for despair into
reasons for hope. It has the power, to save you, and others, as long as you
keep on being hopeful, with a smile. The power that you have, is for filling
the gaps that have been in your life all this while. And this can be done, with
love and hope.”
"Love?" he asked.
"You didn't mention that just now. What has that got to do with
hope?"
“With love, your frozen heart will
thaw and lose its numbness, and you will be able to resume moving towards hope
once again. Your heart was frostbitten by your friend's comments of your
behavior with us, saying that you were
offensive to me and you owe me and apology. I'd like to tell you that, I knew
that you didn't mean it, and I took no offence. Rather, I think I found enjoyment
in your company, and we love to, and would look forward to being of
acquaintance with you once again. Therefore, I'd like you to free yourself from
the despair that you are feeling now, and move towards hope. Move on, my dear,
with love and hope.”
“By the way, I’d like to dedicate a
song to you, which is about moving on, and moving forward. It’s an AKB48 song.
It’s called “Overtake”. Have you heard of it?”
“Of course I’ve heard of it”, Zoner
replied. “Let’s sing it together!”
初めから 強い心なんて誰もが持っているわけじゃないんだ
|
Hajime
kara tsuyoi kokoro nante dare mo ga motteiru wake ja nainda
|
No
one is strong in their hearts in the very first instance.
|
細い枝も風に吹かれてしなやかに 逞しくなる
|
Hosoi
eda mo kaze ni fukarete shinayaka ni takumashikunaru
|
Even
thin branches grow firmer and stronger when blown by the wind.
|
もし君が悔しさに泣くのなら押し殺した声 隠さなくていい
|
Moshi
kimi ga kuyashisa ni naku no
|
If
you’re so pissed that you ended up crying, don’t hide the voice that you
suppressed.
|
どんな時も 自信と不安混ざり合って 夢見るんだ
|
Donna toki mo jishin mo fuan mazariatte yume mirunda
|
Embrace
your dreams, even though you feel a mixture of confidence and insecurity
about it.
|
みんなが帰ったグラウンド残って練習をしてること 僕は知っているよ
|
Minna
ga kaetta ground nokotte renshu wo shiteru koto boku wa shitteiru yo
|
I
know that even after everyone else has gone home, you still stayed behind and
practice.
|
さあ 越えて行け!今 僕たちを・・・
|
Saa koete yuke! Ima boku tachi wo…
|
Now
it’s time for you to overtake us…
|
目指すのは まだまだ遠い場所だ
|
Mezasu no wa mada mada tooi basho da
|
The
goal you’re aiming for is still very far away.
|
同じ道を走る者を気にするな!
|
Onaji
michi wo hashiru mono wo ki ni suru na
|
Don’t
concern yourself with others who walk the same path as you.
|
前へ進め!
|
Mae
ni susume!
|
Just
move forward!
|
“Honestly speaking, I had a good
time with you. When I go back to Japan
“When I bring them to Singapore the
next time, please come and look for me, so that I can introduce you to them, so
as to help you make more friends." She gave him a friendly pat on the
shoulder, and she flashed her toothy sunshine smile at him. Her eyes gave out a
unique flare that seemed to reflect her passionate and outgoing character. This
was the unique charm about Yuko that he felt like pointing out to her.
"Your eyes, your smile, seem to overflow with zest. I like that.” Yuko
turned ticklish, and laughed. "I'm really happy, that you like my
eyes", she said. He quickly added "Not only that, your smile and
voice too. When they add up, they create a springtime atmosphere. Cool, sweet,
and refreshing." Yuko squealed with delight, and gave him a bear. Yuko
then continued to cling harder to him, squealing with delight, "I'm not
letting go. I'm not letting go."
When Yuko finally let go after
clinging on to him to her hearts content, it was time to go. The dimension was
already threatening to fade away. "So remember always dear," said
Yuko. "What are the key words?" she probed, like a teacher repeating
a question to a class to emphasize a point.
He answered.
"Love and Hope."
"Correct! Pinpon Pinpon!"
she energetically. "Pinpon" was an imitation of the sound of a bell
that would ring when a game show contestant answers a question correctly. We
laughed like old friends.
He woke up.
Zoner was back in reality. It was
hard for him to believe all that had happened. However, on the table, he found
a page in the notebook Yuko gave to him that contained the contents of their
conversation, in both Yuko’s and his handwriting.
"Love and hope, huh?" he
mused in a half-asleep mode. A while after that mental "slide-show" was over, he stared
out of the window mouth agaped, still shocked at the course of events that were
too much for any normal human being to absorb and digest.
He went to sleep and decided not to
write anymore. However, the words on the pages of the diary vanished. He didn't
remember a thing about writing the passage in the notebook, as if it never
happened. However, his anger and frustration towards his life and his “friend”
dissipated to a certain extent. It wasn't long before he resumed his usual
mundane simple lifestyle. However, little did he realize that this was already
the turning point of his life.
No comments:
Post a Comment